The request to open up, coming from a partner, a friend, or even a previous therapist, often produces the opposite of its intended effect. The man hears the request as a demand to produce something he does not have access to, and the pressure of the demand activates the very defense system that is blocking the access. He freezes, deflects, or retreats further into silence. The partner interprets the retreat as refusal. The man experiences it as failure. Both are left more frustrated than before the conversation started.
Dr. David Steinbok's approach with men in Boca Raton who cannot open up avoids this dynamic entirely. A therapist for men who can't open up does not begin by asking for openness. The therapeutic process creates the conditions in which openness becomes gradually possible, without making it a requirement that the patient is set up to fail at.
